From time to time, Cathy will post a new issue of Earth & Us to share her recent experiences and insights.

Previous issues may be found here.

Earth & Us - XXV

Transition to the New Story

First, a heartfelt THANK YOU to all the readers who sent me their wonderful words of support, sympathy, and encouragement for the painful time I described in the last issue.

In making my transition from Earthaven to Asheville, I felt a strong drive to make the move in time for the Spring Equinox. Like many other people, I discovered that when I don’t slow down and cleanse and purify during the winter, I get sick at the turning of the season. In spite of doing a preventive 1-day fast, I got the flu and spent my first week in Asheville quite ill.

Before I left Earthaven, I put on a little 1-woman performance, on the Equinox, which went something like this:

Story

It’s the Spring Equinox: time of balance, new beginnings, visioning, bringing our voices into the world, and as Angeles Arrien would say, collapsing the false self system. On this same day, the new moon enters Aries, which rules new beginnings, self-discovery, and courage. So it is time for me to make a new beginning.

As you know, I am planning to take a leave of absence, of perhaps 6 months. I’ve resigned from all my committees but plan to continue participating on work projects and maybe some gardening here. There are many reasons for me to take this time away. At this point, I haven’t been able to generate a sustainable level of income, and I am not willing to do a regular commute to town. I much prefer to live in town and come out here for visits of a day or two, especially since I don’t currently have a real living situation here. It seems to me that the timing for me to live here full-time isn’t right yet.

How we tell our stories determines the kind of filter we place on our reality. There are many ways to tell any story. So for the entertainment and educational value, I’d like to tell my tale of life at Earthaven in a few different ways. The first portion is told from the old-paradigm, victim, poor-me perspective. The second portion is from the perspective of an empowered woman.

Berkeley New Ager
As a “7” (on the Enneagram), I love new things, new options, exploration, visioning, and planning; not so good on follow through; I don’t like boring repetitive work; I’m good at reframing and looking on the bright side; very sensitive to what others think.

While living in Berkeley, for years, I’d been taking workshops about sustainable living, and was itching to put it into practice.

(Tune: “Closer to Fine,” by the Indigo Girls)
I went to the workshops
I sat with the gurus
I listened to the children
I drank from the fountain
I went to the shamans,
I did Truth Mandalas,
I took the Primitive Skills class,
I ate the wild salad…

When I arrived at Earthaven, I felt like a wealthy woman. I had around $30,000 not including some retirement funds (IRA). I was in love, was looking forward to helping build a cozy passive solar home nestled in the woods, and becoming part of a fabulous community. It was a dream I’d had for years, to be part of an intentional community which was practicing ecological, low resource-use lifestyles. Although I didn’t know what I’d be doing for a living, I was excited about studying Permaculture and perhaps being able to teach it. With the variety of skills and jobs I’d held, it seemed likely that I’d find some good way to support myself. With diligence, I’d be able to fit into the village economy, grow part of my own food, and live the good life. Maybe even sell some of my books!

Poor Me/ Failure
Twenty-one months later, the $30,000 is gone. Well, not exactly gone, since some of it is invested in a gas refrigerator, solar panels and batteries, and $5000 is owed me by my boyfriend. I paid a pretty high rent to him, also. Moving from California cost nearly $1000. Some funds were lost in the stock market, before I liquidated all my stocks. I spent a lot on Culture’s Edge courses and 2 communities conferences; some on traveling to Washington, DC, Virginia, Tennessee, California, Florida, New York, Boston, and Cape Cod. The jobs I did have were doing promotions for Culture’s Edge part time, which paid usually less than $200 per month; one stint of editorial work for The Permaculture Activist; a little cooking for Culture’s Edge classes; a few shifts of homecare for an elderly gentleman, which ended when he entered a nursing home; and 4 sessions of biofeedback with a youngster at Stone Mountain School. This last job really didn’t get off the ground because the school lacked space to put me. Book sales? Just a handful.

Since I didn’t have much paying work, lots of my time was spent on committees and various other forms of service to Earthaven. Membership committee, Visitors committee, Firetenders committee, Council Hall cleanup, tour leading, taking minutes for Council, stream monitoring…I earned plenty of Leaps!

The relationship is over now, I have only a temporary roost, the money is gone, I don’t have work, and it seems clear that I must move to the city and get a job. Right now I’m living on funds from my dear Dad, but I know I need to get an income very soon. To live here, I’d need to come up with a site fee (probably $11.4 minimum) plus funds with which to build a shared building. What I have left in my retirement funds is not enough to do that with, so it’s not clear whether there can be a future for me at Earthaven.

“Kick Me”
The last couple of months here have been the most socially difficult of my life, mostly due to the negative feedback and problematic interactions with so many people. Three people said that they didn’t want to work with me because I acted like too much of a “victim” and was too much in my head, as well as socially insensitive/ not well tuned in with the energy or needs of the group.

As a result of all this, I felt the need to escape from the intensity of this place. Looking back on the calm life I led in Berkeley, I could scarcely believe all this has been happening.

My Tale Told as an Empowered Woman

“I am not a victim of the world I see.” - A Course in Miracles

I chose to both gift and loan money to my lover, and to pay him a generous rent, because I wanted him not to have to work outside Earthaven to earn the money to build with, and so we could move out of the trailer into the house more quickly—in other words, for my own comfort and so he wouldn’t be too exhausted and overworked to have any energy or time for me. My perspective was that since he had leased the site and was paying for all the home development, and I was benefiting from it, it was a fair arrangement. Also, the relationship allowed me to have an easier entry to Earthaven than I might have had otherwise. No gift given sincerely is ever wasted. Even if a return of some sort does not come from the one who received the gift, the universe finds a way to give back; I believe this is a law of nature. While I may have been overly idealistic in entering two relationships so quickly (the one with him and the one with Earthaven), it was also a calculated risk. I was a lonely single woman living in the city, longing for relationship, community, country living. He gave me some priceless moments, taking me to amazing places in nature such as the Confluence, and Owl Falls. I learned a lot from him about “homesteading” as well as trees, plants, birds. He was my dream of a man who lives close to nature.

To spend about $21,000 in 21 months is not a large amount, by American standards. If I were enrolled in a college for a couple of semesters, I’d have spent more than that and learned less than what I’ve learned here: permaculture, water conservation, gardening, alternative energy, herbalism, community decision making, local currency, natural building, political activism, not to mention group process of all kinds! I’ve eaten well, played a lot out in nature, made some wonderful friends, and am just now beginning to reap the fruits of the personal growth process, painful as it may be.

Me and my Shadow…
Let me introduce you to some of my shadow selves that have been popping out (besides the poor me, failure, victim):

Listen to me! “I know how to fix Earthaven, just notice my ideas!”
Include me! “What did you say? Can I have some energy and attention please?”
Socially out of touch – “I’m so tuned in with you that I’ll finish your sentences for you!”
Too sensitive –“That look you gave me nearly killed me!”

I am grateful to so many people for holding up a mirror to show me where I need to change and heal.

I’ve learned:

• that it’s not only safe, but really necessary, to let anger out. Sometimes expressing the anger, instead of making myself wrong and apologizing, can help me reclaim my power. Make a mess, then clean it up later.
• that people can be friends after a nasty outburst.
• that stepping way back from the community works well sometimes.
  

I’ve also learned:

• to set boundaries well and respect those of others.
• to take better care of myself by carefully setting up any mediation process.
• to assess and approach social situations more mindfully.
• not to interrupt or finish sentences.
• to be more honest and direct.
• to look at whether I’m coming from my ego; and to connect one to one first regarding any problem, and work it out, before talking to other people.

The growth opportunity here is to receive criticism graciously, as valuable feedback with which to improve my life, rather than feeling like a worthless human being.

Moving to Asheville may turn out to be a really wonderful outcome. I’m greatly looking forward to the rich cultural life, the opportunity to hang out with a great variety of wonderful folks like Gayatri Lee, get involved with the Jubilee community, plug into the Kucinich campaign, and earn a living more easily, while still having the privilege of visiting Earthaven frequently to take part in the outdoor activities, gardening, social life, and group work projects that I enjoy. The luxury of living in a space which is not under construction! Sharing a phone with only 2 other people, who are often not home! Having my computer in the house with unlimited electricity! Quiet space and time to read, a place to have all my paperwork organized, clean floors…

POSTSCRIPT:
A week after I’d moved to town, a true Circle of Healing was held at Earthaven. We all took part in a Truth Mandala (a ritual borrowed from John Seed and Joanna Macy’s Deep Ecology practices) in which we spoke our anger, sadness, fears, and confusion about Earthaven. After that emotionally intense release, we did some 1:1 work. To each person we chose to communicate with, we spoke words of appreciation, then mentioned a challenge we were having with them, and ended with some self-disclosure (“Something you might not know about me is…”) This was all done with quiet background music setting a tone of intimacy. These were the sorts of processes I’d been advocating quietly for a long time; my belief is that if we were to do this kind of sharing on a monthly basis, Earthaven would have far fewer interpersonal difficulties.

From the heart,

Cathy

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Thank you.

Of special interest:

Cathy Holt
The Circle of Healing: Deepening Our Connections with Self, Others, and Nature
Talking Birds Press.

To order: (800) 404-9492

Peace with all our relations